Just a few things to keep you ppl amused. hehehe (ps if u find anything offensive or don't have a sense of humor...TOUGH!)
Sum random thoughts...
It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.
I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud
"I've already got one!"
Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda
Employee of the month
is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
Got a phone call today to
do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax.
I went out with an Irish Catholic.
Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork .....
I saw that show '50 Things To Do Before You Die'. I would
have thought the obvious one was Shout For Help!!
The world is a dangerous place - only yesterday I went into Boots
and punched someone in the face.
You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually
you get tested. She'll go "What's my favourite flower?", and you murmur to yourself "Sh*t, I wasn't listening - self-raising?"
mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.
realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat
Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal
The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.
is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
The dodo died.
Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be sh*tting herself.
My parents are from Glasgow which means
they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at
Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?
shall we call our son so he does not get the sh*t kicked out of him at school? We shall call him Englebert Humperdink!
Yes, that'll work.
(to the tune of "Jingle Bells")
Nine-tenths of a gig, Biggest ever seen, God, this program's big-- MS Word 15! Comes on ten CDs, And
requires--damn! Word is fine, but jeez-- 60 megs of RAM?!
Oh! Microsoft, Microsoft, Bloatware all the way! I've
sat here installing Word Since breakfast yesterday! Oh! Microsoft, Microsoft, Moderation, please. Guess you hadn't
noticed: Four-gig drives don't grow on trees!
Join the Military
Under the Emergency Powers Act (1939) as amended by the Defence Act (1978),
you are hereby notified that you are required to place yourself on standby for possible compulsory military service in the
American Conflict.You may shortly be ordered to depart for the Middle East where
you will join either the 3rd Battalion The Queen's Own Suicidal Conscripts or the 2nd Cumbrian Foot
and Mouth Regiment.Due to the recent rundown of the Navy and the refusal of
P&O to lend us any of their liners (because of the deplorable state in which they were returned after the Falklands adventure)
it will be necessary for you to make your own way to the combat zone.
H.M. Government have been able to negotiate a 20% discount on one-way trips
with Virgin Airlines and you are strongly urged to take advantage of this offer (Ryan Air also do a nice little £9.99 trip).Because of cutbacks in Government expenditure in recent years it will be necessary
for you to provide yourself with the following equipment as soon as possible:
·Trousers (preferably khaki - but please no denim)
·Boots (or a pair of sturdy trainers)
·Map of the combat zone (the Ordinance Survey 1:2800
Outdoor Leisure Map of Afghanistan will do)
·Rifle (preferably made this century)
·Ammunition (preferably to suit previous item)
If you are in a position to afford it, we would like you to buy a tank. Vickers
Defence of Banbury in conjunction with Reg Vardy are offering Minimum £1000 part exchange for your old car, included with
all new conscripts a 0% finance deal on all X registration Chieftains, but hurry, as offer is only available whilst stocks
We would like to reassure you that in the unlikely event of anything going
wrong, you will receive a free burial in the graveyard of your choice, and your next of kin will be entitled to the new War
Widows pension of £1.75 per calendar month, index-linked but subject to means testing, and fully repayable should our side
Unfortunately, there may be little time for formal military training before
your departure and so we strongly advise that you hire videos/DVD’s of the following films and try and pick up a few
·The Guns of Navarone
·A Bridge too far
·The Longest Day
·The Desert Song
·Carry on up the Kyber
We do not recommend that you watch Khartoum or charge of the light Brigade.
To mentally prepare yourself for your mission try reading the works of Wilfred Owen or Rupert Brookes. This should give you
some idea of what may be involved.
G Hoon, Ministry of Defence.
Mars, The Official snack of World War III, has sponsored this communication.
What If Titanic sank Today?:
Reaction from different countries:
U.S.A:"A ship coming to Freedom was attacked by terrorists. We will not sit quiet and we will teach them a lesson.
Bin Laden you can run but you cannot hide we will find you and destroy your Al-Qaeda network." (president Bush..whoelse?)
U.K:"I have spoken to the president of United States and we have both agreed that the sinking of titanic is significant
prove that Saddam Hussein is clearly behind this attack, Iraq is imposing a threat to the world and this has to be
dealt with." (Prime minister Blair)
Iraq:"LOL!!!" (President Saddam Hussain)
Israel:"These Hamas and other
terrorist network is enough evidence to say that sinking of titanic is not an accident but it was their suicide bombers
who have commited such a crime..we will now impose curfew on the Palestinians, detain them, exile them, kill them, starve
them, destroy their homes and refugee camps." (ariel Sharon..bastard)
Canada:"Titanic who????" (Canadian president)
India: "Is mein Pakistan ka haath hai. (This was the work of Pakistan) We have received passports of Pakistani
extremists from the Titanic debris. Pakistanis will have to pay for such horrendous act of terrorism. We are now deploying
more soldiers to the border." (prime minister Vajpayee)
Pakistan:"Can we get over with the elections first..please?"
UN:"Shit happens right??" (sec.gen. kofi annan)
listening...it was an iceberg..hellloooooo."
SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no
longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything.
We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is
no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made
to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be
scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one
hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.
YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse.
However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
RESTROOM USE: Entirely
too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order.
instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from to 8:10, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from
and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes
again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve
this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm
will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.
Thank you for your loyalty to our
company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or
input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week.
Another scrutanising function (i wld love 2 put this in my exam!!! btw sorry about
the spelling....just proves i did actually write this one myself!!):
Describe a scrutinising function of the HOC (15 marks)
A new form of scrutiny has been introduced into the House of Commons. Ministers, in
particular Tony Blair, can be held accountable for their actions by throwing purple powder at them during Prime Ministers
Qu. This is a lot more interesting than other forms of accountability as you can use different coloured powders and even
produce a rainbow effect - which would certainly liven things up. It can also be used by the opposistion leader.
You can just see it now; Howard chucking blue powder when TB's bakc is turned as he is answering a qu from one of his
backbenchers. And then the leader of the opposition would blame it on the Charles Kenndy who woul of course deny it...but
who would actuually listen to him anyway!
However, critics have denounced this saying that TB can use it to avoid answering some
of Michael Howards Qu...even more than he does usually at least. It has also been attacked as it would waste more tax
payers money having it cleaned up.
In conclusion, although certainly exciting adn different, it would not stop TB doing
what he wants (and boming Iraq) and thus is just as ineffective as all the other forms of scrutiny
anyone found to have copywrighted any of 'my' material which i got of another website or various fwds that i have received
will suffer the consequences...you have been warned